* Warning: This sketch is extremely offensive.
What's on my Pizza?
(The setting is two men sitting at a kitchen table with a pizza box placed in the center. The audience can not see what is in the pizza box which is unopened.)
Jimmy: Man I'm hungry!
Paulie: I think that after scrubbing toilets all day, we earned this pizza.
Jimmy: What toppings did you order?
Paulie: Dude, I don't even know. (Paulie opens the box, The audience is still unable to see inside the box.) I mean my girlfriend works there so I told her to pile on whatever she would like. I once made the mistake of telling her that when she had a handful of anal beads and that was a mistake if you know what I mean.
Jimmy: What is that? (Stunned.)
Paulie: You don't know what anal beads are?
Jimmy: No I'm talking about that thing on our pizza?
Paulie: Holy Shit! That don't look like it should be there.
Jimmy: That is not something I have ever seen on a pizza.
Paulie: You think we can eat that?
Jimmy: It looks uncooked. What the hell is that?
Paulie: I'm so hungry I may try and eat it. (Paulie goes to take a slice and Jimmy stops him.)
Jimmy: What on Earth could that be? It has feet. Can we eat anything with feet?
Paulie: Maybe we shouldn't eat that?
Jimmy: It looks like something the Jesus freaks tried to show me outside the free clinic.
Paulie:Why did you have to go to the free clinic? (Goes in for a closer look.) I have no idea what that is. It looks like an aborted fetus.
Jimmy: (Still slightly stunned.) Which is not what you ordered?
Paulie: (Madly.) Yes, I called the place up and said I would like a pizza with an aborted fetus on it.
Jimmy: Oh you said aborted fetus, I couldn't hear you the first time. Could that be an aborted fetus, and how the hell did it end up on our pizza?
Paulie: I don't know, This looks like a third trimester abortion.
Jimmy: There's placenta fluid all over the pizza.
Paulie: You know I worked all day, and I come home to fetus pizza. Man this has to be a fetus, I can see the Tunica Vaginalis.
Jimmy: What the fuck is a Tunica Vaginalis?
Paulie: You know, it is a pouch of serous membrane, derived from the saccus vaginalis of the peritoneum, which in the fetus will precede the descent of the testis from the abdomen into the scrotum.
Jimmy: How do you know that? (Looks at the pizza.) Is that the umbilical cord? That slice looks safe to eat. (Points.)
Paulie: I ain't eaten that slice! What kind of pizzeria has fetuses laying around? Better yet, why would my girlfriend put a fetus on my pizza?
Jimmy: Maybe you deserved it?
Paulie: Nobody deserves a fetus on their pizza.
Jimmy: What's the name of this place?
Paulie: I don't know I just called my girlfriend.
(Paulie's Girlfriend enters the room.)
Jimmy: That's odd timing we were just talking about you.
Paulie: Yeah that's screwed up, how did you do that shit.
Girlfriend: I have to tell you the truth about the pizza.
Jimmy: This can't be good! (He exits the room.)
Girlfriend: That's your unborn baby on the pizza.
Paulie: I scrub toilets all day and I have to come home to this shit.
Girlfriend: I knew you would suck as a father, so I figured I would handle it myself.
Paulie: What you use a coat hanger on my son here? You know what I don't even want to know.
(Paulie's Girlfriend pulls out a gun.)
Girlfriend: This relationship is over. (Points gun at Paulie.)
Paulie: I scrub toilets all day and I have to come home and get shot?
(Paulie's Girlfriend shoots him, then exits the room. Jimmy enters again shortly after.)
Jimmy: So you ever find out what was on the pizza? (Looks Down.) Oh, this ain't good. (Looks at camera or stage.) You ever have one of those days, were nothing goes right? (Gets cleaning supplies out of the closet to mop up Paulie and his remains.) Well I'm definitely having one of those days. Bye.